I often relate infertility with being a road. And, for me, that's the way it feels. There are other people on the road with you, it's a long journey and some people's final destinations are closer than others, there are twists and turns, fog, heavy downpours, sharp curves and steep inclines or descents, mud and rock slides, flooding and detours, flat tires and, at times, you need to make a pit stop to get fuel and rest. You don't have a Rand McNally or GPS because everyone's trip is different so the road is difficult to navigate. So you talk to people along the way, meet new folks and learn more about the journey and, in turn, more about yourself too.
When diagnosed with infertility, couples find that there are a lot of tough decisions that have to be made and it feels like being at a crossroads with multiple different paths. Which road will you choose? Invitro Fertilization (IVF), Intrauterine Insemination (IUI), embryo donor, sperm donor, surrogate, embryo adoption, at-home turkey baster (all joking aside, there are at-home kits that can help with fertilization), sperm-friendly lubricants, etc. What foods should you eat or vitamins should you take to increase fertility? What fertility medications are best for your situation? What are your religious beliefs about invasive fertility procedures? How far are you willing to take this thing? Which clinic or doctor do you want to use? Should you seek a second opinion? A third? Will insurance cover costs of fertility specialists, drugs or procedures? Evaluating the costs of each option- costs that go beyond the financial- emotional, physical and mental currency all have to be taken into consideration. When is it time to consider adoption? If so, what form of adoption- foster-to-adopt, private, domestic, international, embryo, etc.? What are the costs of each? Remember, not all costs are financial- what form of adoption are you and your spouse best suited? Where is your heart in this? Do you view adoption as a "last resort" or are you looking at it as a beautiful way that God allows children He planned for you all along to come into your life? When is it time to be childless but not by choice?
So. Many. Paths. And I wish I could say that, as a couple, my husband and I have diplomatically sat down, calmly and kindly discussed our options, made decisions and stuck with them. But we have gone back and forth, had heated conversations, revisited options, rehashed out ideas, and revised our thoughts and opinions countless times. The road is not clear, not clean and there are traffic jams and times you must reroute.
Through our experience, the best advice that I can offer to anyone on this journey is to give yourself some grace, read your Bible, and pray together that the Lord will make known to you His will for each step you take along the way (I highly recommend doing a couple's devotional to help make reading your Bible together a habit if you do not already do so. It's an amazing practice for couples no matter your parenting status!). Also, take your blessing blinders off!! This has been a hard one for me- I am so quick to compare my life and, more specifically, my perceived lack to my friends, family, people on social media, in the grocery store, wherever. Sweet friend, the truth is is that not one of us is lacking. Yes, right now every fiber of your being is crying out in anguish to hold a child of your own, but that does not mean that you have or are any "less than" the girl you follow on Instagram with 3 kids and one on the way or your friend who you believe is "farther along" in life than you. You are not less blessed or loved by God. Taking your blessing blinders off opens your eyes to all of the amazing things He wants you to enjoy today- in this season- even on this road. You will make it to your destination stronger, wiser, with a greater capacity to love others and with a deeper sense of God's goodness and grace than when you started. And don't forget to honk your horn and give a friendly, encouraging wave to other travelers along the way. The road of infertility doesn't have to be so isolating.
If you have been following me, you know how I love to end with verses of encouragement that can be related to the topic. I simply could not settle on one verse this time so here are a few that I hope you can tuck away to bless your heart (I like to copy down verses that speak to me on note cards and keep a collection of them by my desk at work).
James 1:2-4
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
Psalm 16:11
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Isaiah 42:16
And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them.