Friday, September 20th. Our long-awaited appointment to take the next step in our journey to parenthood finally came. We had submitted an application in January to a well-renowned clinic in our state, and after months of trying to work out appointment times and have medical records sent over, we finally had "the" appointment. We were officially going to meet with the doctor and get set up with the clinic to adopt. We were finally taking some major steps in completing our little family.
I was all anticipation! Nervous, excited, anxious yet thrilled, sad that our journey had lasted so long and taken us so far, but optimistic about our future and a "light at the end of the tunnel"- all the feels, so to speak.
We were pleasantly surprised when we arrived at the clinic. Unlike our treatment at our old obgyn's office- we were treated kindly and with respect. Unfortunately, many infertile couples are handled like heifers in a herd of cows- we're quick to pick up that we are not treated as warmly and appreciated as expecting couples. And to an extent, I get it. Most ob's offices deal with pregnant women or those who have already had children. Couples with deep infertility issues present a conundrum to them and they truly don't know what to do with us. I recommend finding an ob's office that also deals with infertility and/or seek out assistance with a doctor who specializes in fertility issues. However, as we were about to find out, infertility doctors and clinics can be insensitive.
We were drawn to this particular clinic for many reasons including that they had a sensible cost clearly stated on their website and they were local- within a 2 hour drive from our home. In our research about Embryo Adoption, there were few fertility clinics offering this option within easy driving distance, the cost was lower than the others, and we liked that we didn't have the added stress or cost of the home-study component with most other adoptions.
I get a lot of questions like, "Why don't you do IVF? You could have your 'own baby.'" It is important to note that my husband and I do not want to do in-vitro fertilization (IVF) and not just for financial reasons. We are concerned that, if, hypothetically speaking, we went through the IVF process creating, say, 5 embryos and were able to complete our family with 2-3 of those babies, we would have some left over. We cannot afford to go through 5 rounds of IVF nor do we feel that we could financially afford 5 children. Because we believe and live out the belief that life begins with conception, those "left overs" would need homes because they are babies just as much as the children we hold. People who go through IVF are often faced with the choice to destroy their remaining embryos, donate them to science (destruction with a "purpose"), continue to pay a storage fee on them to put off the inevitable decision that has to be made, or donate them to other infertile couples. We would rather adopt a donated embryo from another couple than go through the process creating more "frozen babies." I am not bashing anyone for their decision on how to grow their family- I count it all blessings that God has provided so many ways to bring life into the world. There is too much negativity and judgement in our society- do what you are called to do and what is best for you and your spouse. Adoption is something has been laid on our hearts and we have to act accordingly.
That being said, we made our intentions clear to both nurses and the nurse practitioner with whom we spoke. At the end of our meeting with the practitioner, he told us he would send in someone from finance to discuss the clinic's cost for Embryo Adoption and Intrauterine Insemination, or IUI, another option we were open to trying at the time. But instead of the finance lady, in walks the doctor himself. We were a bit thrown off guard but excited to meet the man with whom we had waited 9 months for an appointment. The let-down was swift. He commenced what turned into an arrogant sales pitch for Egg Donor IVF- effectively crushing our dreams for IUI and Embryo Adoption at this particular facility.
For all of the positives we thought the clinic had going for it, they are apparently limited in their embryo donor bank- they only have access to embryos from their patients so they offer a 2-3 year waiting list that operates on a triage system- if you have no other earthly option than embryo adoption, you get bummed up the list above those who may have been there first. Because I have the egg count of a woman in her 40's combined with my Endometriosis, he felt that my eggs were basically bust and not worth trying IUI. So, long story short, because we do qualify for Egg Donor IVF we would probably never be recipients of a donated embryo with this clinic.
He then proceeded to sing the praises of their fully vetted and thoroughly inspected egg donor mothers. The entire experience with the doctor felt like we were being sold a used car. The phrase, "show me the CarFax" came to mind. Mind you, according to the American Pregnancy Association (https://americanpregnancy.org/infertility/donor-eggs/ ), Egg Donor IVF can cost between $12,000-$20,000. Pretty major jump considering the Embryo Adoption cost listed on the website was $5,500 *insert eye roll here.* The whole experience was sleazy and unprofessional and, I will admit, I had to muster up all of my polite Southern raisin' to bite my tongue, thank him for his time, shake his hand, and ask nicely where we could check out. Let me tell you, that was a hard copay to hand over.
There are some things that even the Lord's chicken can't make better, but we figured it couldn't hurt to try. It was déjà vu of our last appointment- discouragement, shock, dismay and anger mixed with a lack of appetite and tasteless fries.
To be honest, this post itself is a long time coming because I have been wrestling with this new reality and latest disappointment. My initial reaction was to book another appointment with our original doctor to give a last ditch effort at IUI. But, deep down, that didn't feel right. The night before the Embryo Adoption appointment, I wrote in my prayer journal: "I want so badly to be walking in God's perfect will for our lives and I pray we are heeding His call. I pray, Lord, for some sign, be it large or small- a great gesture or gentle nudge- we welcome Your answer to our questions- is this what You want from us?"
Sweet friends, while that doctor was crushing my hopes and dreams of everything I thought I wanted, I heard a distinct voice in my mind say- "We're going to be foster parents." In the months since our appointment, I have really struggled with this. I wish I could say I was elated to have an answer, an obvious "nudge" to God's will for our lives; excited to have affirmation from God Himself! But...this fleshly body- I want things my way (hence the immediate leap into an IUI appointment) and I am terrified of fostering. In all of our research about infertility and avenues of adoption, we have been most hesitant about foster care. I didn't even share with my husband about what I had prayed or the answer until, one evening about a month after the appointment he came out of the blue and said, "We're going to adopt." Obviously God has been working on us both. Oh me of little faith! We know God's plans are perfect and, even if we have no idea how this is going to work out, we are letting the One who is in control do His thing and waiting for the next step in this journey.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.