Everyone at the party is either holding a baby or chasing around muddy barefooted, rambunctious toddlers with their infectious laughter, shining eyes and tiny teeth. The couple at the Harris Teeter with the carrier in one buggy, getting groceries for their family of three in the other while the precious little one coos and squirms in her seat. Most of your closest friends have children. Trips for work end up being week-long vacations for your colleagues to bring their little ones to ride bikes and play in the lake. You open Facebook or Instagram and the kids you used to babysit are sharing their gender reveal parties. The girl you taught when she was in middle school just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.
And most days it doesn't hurt. But some days...some days it just does. It's not that you aren't happy for these other people, but your joy has been zapped and you are oh so weary from the emotional, physical and mental highs and lows you have been on for years on end. So you post a video of your dog bringing you his toy to play with at 10 pm because that is his nightly routine and it brings you happiness. Then you cry on your husband's shoulder and pray together for this month to be "the month."
One of my goals with the Infertility and Beyond room of this blog is to do a post dedicated to a documentation of our infertility journey. This is not that post- that's for another day when I'm not away from home, surrounded by strangers- tears need to be shed and this just isn't the place to be a watering pot.
My PA spoke some truth to me at my annual exam last year; she said, "We all have our own crosses to bear." Now, that is not a new saying, I have heard it many times before, but it had never been said to me personally and I believe it was something that God knew I needed to hear in that specific moment. It has been one of the many times I fully felt the Lord speaking to my heart throughout the past 2.5 years- pressing in to mold me into who He needs me to be like the potter and the clay. Words have always meant to so much to me but never before, never until this, did I realize how life-giving words can be; sustaining us through the darkest of times.
Throughout our journey, I have found so much solace in reading blogs and books from other infertile men and women. Sharing the information I have gleaned from my reading as well as our own struggles helped connect me with so many others who are on this same road. One can find deep and abiding camaraderie and encouragement from speaking with other infertility warriors; for that is truly what we are; fighting the battles of barrenness one month at a time. That is not to say that I do not crave fellowship with my friends who have children. My closest friends are mothers and one of my life's greatest joys is spending time with them and their children. But envy is a tool of the enemy and he wields it even in our tightest relationships.
Overcoming jealousy has been a rocky road for this sister. I can honestly say that I am more perfected in love today than I was a year ago but I ain't where I need to be yet (can you tell I was brought up in a Methodist church?). Learning that God's ways and His plans are bigger than just what I can see- "thy kingdom come, your will be done...' has been a lesson He has had to go back and re-teach me over and over. I cannot remember where I heard or read this, but understanding that God is working His will out for some people through children and working His will for others through infertility is something that has soothed my soul. The crosses you bear may be infertility, a strong-willed child, estranged family members, health issues, financial strain, etc.; we all have them. He is working on us all, sweet friends.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28